


Horny

by Rockinmuffin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Also the reader is a human that is on the meteor with the trolls for some unexplained reason?, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Explicit Language, F/M, Female Reader, Interspecies Romance, Mild Sexual Content, POV Second Person, Reader-Insert, Unpopular opinion regarding common fannon, hints of both black and red romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 16:19:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2198526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rockinmuffin/pseuds/Rockinmuffin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Honestly, it was silly you’d ever thought they’d be used for anything else.</p><p>You x Karkat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Horny

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes the fandom comes up with interesting theories regarding troll xenobiology that a majority of the fandom decide to accept as fact. Sometimes those theories are really silly.
> 
> Disclaimer: Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie. I’m just a creeper too emotionally invested in the romantic lives of fictional teenagers.

When it came to sex, you were simply the best there was.

Okay, considering that you were still an awkward teenage virgin, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration.

Still, despite your sexual handicap, you were confident that you knew enough about sex that you’d be pretty good at it when you did manage to actually jump that sexual hurdle. After all, you’d been reading and writing about it since way before puberty had set in. While your friends were learning about the clitoris and prostate with red faces, you were writing hardcore BDSM slash fanfictions and dabbling in the dark arts of vore and water sports just for the hell of it.

In short, what you lacked in experience, you made up for in a knowledge that could rival the likes of Urban Dictionary. It was the sort of knowledge that brought your parents to shameful tears and made the younger neighborhood kids stare at you with unabashed awe. Knowledge that helped you with absolutely diddly-squat because you had an awkward teenage crush on an alien boy with a completely different biological makeup. And not just superficial alien biology like, _ooh, he has grey skin and rainbow blood_ , but really freaky alien biology like, _holy shit, he hatched out of an egg and had a baby caterpillar larva body before it molted off_.

But if your many years worth of perusing through and writing porn about nonexistent things and people taught you _anything_ it was how to bullshit your way through topics you knew absolutely nothing about and were too lazy to properly research.

So what if you wanted to have sex with an alien? So what if he most likely had different erogenous zones and crazy alien junk? Honestly, you couldn’t care less if his penis was made out of baby spiders. It didn’t matter because you loved him. Or, well, you liked him enough to want to see him naked. You’d figure the rest of it out along the way.

**_~*~_ **

It was when you saw your target passing through the empty corridor between his room and the computer room that you decided to strike.

“Karkat!” you shouted as you dropped down from the ceiling where you had been waiting for a good two and a half hours.

“What in the ever-loving fuck—”

“I’m here to seduce you!”

And that was when your fingers wrapped themselves tight around the tips of his nubby little horns.

He stared at you for a long moment. It was probably the longest time you had ever been in a room with Karkat without him shouting; maybe even the longest he’d ever been silent his whole lifetime. Instead, he just looked at you, mouth agape and eyes wide, as if he couldn’t comprehend the sheer amount of sexy stupidity he was enduring.

Finally, in a violent explosion of sound that could burst all ear drums within a ten mile radius, he broke the silence.

“WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING NAME OF _FUCK_ ARE YOU DOING?!”

Your grip on his horns loosened just a tad. “Seducing you?”

His scowl deepened. “…Are you retarded?”

“Depends. Is that alien lingo for,” you wiggled your eyebrows, “ _Open-minded and single_?”

“No, it’s ape-beast human lingo for _your think pan is so busted I almost feel guilty for pointing out how dumb you are, but not really, because you’re awful and you should know that you’re awful._ ”

You released your hold on his horns, your bottom lip pushed out in an over-exaggerated pout. “So you’re telling me that there was absolutely _nothing_ seductive about what I just did? Not even a little bit?”

He rolled his eyes. “I would’ve been more seduced if you had punched me in the bone-bulge and defecated into my open mouth while I lay sprawled out on the floor in pain, a drawn-out and high-pitched puff of flatulence escaping my body in a final sound of resignation. At least that would be vaguely romantic in a caliginous way.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Why would you think there was anything romantic about groping someone’s horns?”

“I thought your horns were your erogenous zone,” you answered simply. You might as well have said you got romantic advice from a demon you summoned by sacrificing the blood of every other troll on the meteor, with the way Karkat’s eyes bugged out of his head.

“WHY?! HOW?! What kind of nook-sniffing fucktard fed you that steaming load of hoofbeast shit?”

“No one. I just assumed—”

“You just assumed that you’re a fucking moron? Did your human lusus drop you on your head?” You opened your mouth to respond but he cut you off with a wave of his hand before you could get a word out. “That’s a rhetorical question, by the way, because no amount of blunt force trauma can excuse the endless stream of ignorant noise spewing out your nutrient-hole like a backed-up load-gaper. I mean, _really_? You think just because a part of our anatomy is different than yours then it has to be a part of our reproductive biology? That would be like me sexualizing that weird birth-scar divot on your lower abdomen.”

You made a face. “Wait, you mean my bellybutton? Karkat, that’s weird.” And gross, considering you found what you thought was once a stale Cheerio in your bellybutton just the other day. What made it even worse was that you hadn’t had Cheerios in months.

“Exactly! But at least that’s a part of your body that’s covered up most of the time and could reasonably be confused for something erogenous. Our horns stick right out of our cranial shell. Do you think we’d just walk around with some human-equivalent of a bone-bulge sticking out of our heads? We’re members of a highly-advanced space-faring society, you shit-wit, not fucking back-water savages.”

Okay, when he put it like that, you did feel kind of silly for ever thinking that way, but that didn’t mean he had to be such a jerk about it!

Any shame you might’ve felt about the situation was instantly replaced by a sharp twinge of pure irritation.

“Wow, _sorry_ ,” you huffed. “Excuse me for trying to be culturally sensitive and not assume that trolls did things the same way humans did. Jeez. I guess that’s what I get for trying to be open-minded and junk.”

“Open-minded? _Culturally sensitive_?! Do you even _hear_ what’s coming out of your mouth right now? You made an assumption about my entire race based on nothing but your own idiotic imagination! And by your own admission you thought you were copping a feel!” A short spray of spittle escaped his mouth and landed on your cheek which you promptly wiped away. Karkat paid it no mind. “What about _any_ of that is culturally sensitive?!”

You shrugged your shoulders. “I decided to go for something bold and original. You’re always gushing over romantic comedies. I figured you of all people might be able to appreciate that.”

“I…” He paused just long enough to cover his face with the palm of his hand. “…Just when I think it’s impossible for you to say anything stupider, a whole new wave of word-diarrhea sloshes out of your face cavity in a violent stream of idiocy and proves me wrong. You win. I believe in magic and miracles and troll Santa because we apparently live in a world where it’s possible for someone to have an IQ of negative thirty-seven.”

You frowned. “Are you calling me stupid?”

“The fact that you even have to _ask_ after my tirade about your lack of a proper functioning think pan more than proves my point.”

“Why do you have to be such an asshole?”

“ _Asshole_ , am I?! You’re the one who considers acts of sexual harassment to be romantic overtures and, not only _attempt_ to sexually assault someone, but _fail miserably_ at it. And then when I, _the innocent victim_ , get upset about said miserable attempt, you try to brush it off saying that you’re being original and quirky, comparing yourself to the heroine of a romantic comedy when you act more like the shitty two-dimensional villain from a melodrama; twirling your greasy facial fur while fondling some hapless moron you’ve tied to the train tracks. But no, _I’m_ clearly the asshole here! It’s me—”

“WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR A SECOND!”

Miraculously, he did, though you figured it was more out of surprise from your outburst than out of any actual desire to be compliant. You were a little surprised yourself; you didn’t know your voice could get that loud, or your face that warm.

“Okay, fine, I’m sorry!” you continued, taking advantage of Karkat’s uncharacteristic silence. “Maybe it was stupid for me to act upon some wild assumption I made without any proof, but I didn’t know what else to _do_. It’s not like I could have asked you about it first without you flying off the handle. The fact of the matter is, I try to act cool and confident and pretend like I know everything when, in reality, I don’t know jack shit. All I _do_ know is that I like you.”

Karkat’s jaw dropped, but he remained silent.

Your throat felt tight, but you powered through it. “I like your creative curses and your angry constipated-looking faces and your nubby horns! I like you more than I’ve ever liked any person before and every time I see you I don’t know whether I want to laugh or throw up because just standing next to you is enough to induce an emotional rollercoaster ride and all I can do is hold on for dear life, at the mercy of a speeding metal death trap of unrequited love. So yeah, I fucked up, I get it—I already feel stupid so you can stop being such a jerk about it!”

By the time your brain caught up with your mouth, you were in too deep to be embarrassed. You just crossed your arms, awaiting Karkat's reaction. It was all you _could_ do.

Karkat looked towards the ground before releasing a huff of air. “You dumbass. If you wanted to touch my horns, all you had to do was ask.”

“Yeah right. If I asked you outright, you would think I was an idiot.”

“News flash: I already think you’re an idiot. I would just think you were an idiot with slightly more common sense than the rest of the humans for being able to recognize the obvious superiority of the Alterian race.”

“The _superiority of the Alterian race_? Really, Karkat? _Really_?”

“Look, do you want to touch them or not?!”

“…Yes, please.”

Before you knew it, the two of you were sitting on the floor; Karkat, cross-legged and back pressed to your front, and you, your legs stretched out on either side of him and your fingers wrapped back around the base of his horns.

“How sensitive are they?” you asked, finger tracing along the line where yellow blended into white.

“Not very. It’s mostly bone. Troll horns are no more sensitive than your human teeth. 

“So you can’t feel anything?” Your grip on his horns tightened just a little bit.

“I can feel the pressure of your hands, but that’s about the extent of it. There aren’t enough nerves located in them for any real sensation. Touching my horns does nothing for me. I mean, it feels kind of nice when you rub around the base, but no more than how it feels when someone runs their fingers across your scalp.”

“So there’s nothing sexual about it at all?”

“Not overtly. In the right context, it could be, but never on its own.”

“…What if I wanted to make it sexual?”

“You’re such a fucking creep.”

You brought your mouth to the shell of his ear so you knew he could feel your breath on it. “What if I touched your horns while wearing a bucket on my head?”

“I hate you so much right now.” If the rosy hue of his ears were any indication, his face was probably brighter than Crayola Red.

You grinned. “Do you really?”

“…No. You’re too pitiful for anyone to hate properly.”

You released a short burst of laughter before settling down to rest your chin on the top of his head. “Thanks, butt-munch. Sooooo,” you drawled, “How long until I finally get to see your alien wing-wang?”

“You know _what_? I’ve changed my mind. I hate you more than any detestable sack of living excrement that has ever so much as farted in my general direction, second only to the utter contempt I feel for myself.”

“I hope it’s the sexy kind of hate.”

“FUCK YOU!”

“That’s the idea~!”

You weren’t expecting the violent impact of Karkat’s skull smashing back into your chin, though you probably should have. But when you finally recovered from the shock of it to see Karkat staring at you with flushed cheeks and sharp teeth gnawing on his lower lip, you decided it was well worth the bruised chin.

“Awwwwwww yeeeeaaaaah! I’m getting laid tonight~!”

“Shut the fuck up, you hot nasty trash.”


End file.
